I decided to give National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo) a shot.

I’m feeling kinda tired so I decided to start with some stuff I wrote for the Kobolds LARP last month. Why do I make so many decisions while I’m tired?

Here is my novel so far:

Kisses for the Kobold Queen
by Tom Conder

Written: November 2006

It was a day just like any other day. It was a Tuesday. Monday had run its miserable course. Wednesday was preparing its hump. Somewhere in a dark musty cave lived a creature called a Kobold.

Kobolds have silly, short-lived lives. They are a race of little dog-like humanoids. They stand only two feet tall, are covered in bristly orange hair and have large mouths filled with sharp, pointy teeth. They are stupid creatures who spend their days causing mischief and when attempting anything remotely complicated usually fail miserably.

A little known fact is that Kobolds are gourmets. The food that they eat must be the best available. A typical Kobold Feast includes interesting dishes such as Emerald’s Cheesy Chicken Casserole, Blackened Elf Shank with Garlic Mashed Potatoes and Rosemary, Rat Filets Roasted with Coffee Beans, Red Peppers and Creamy Grits with Greens and Mushrooms, Braised Dog in a Bordelaise Sauce Garnished with Truffle Pate and with a Fried Egg on top and, of course, a yummy HUMAN BABY, LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICH! If these fines foods are not available, cannibalism is encouraged. Kobolds are terribly tasty when seasoned with chili pepper and garnished with cave crickets.

There are no words for “personal hygiene” and “aerosol deodorant” in the Kobold vocabulary. Kobolds carry a stench that smells like a cross between a wet dog and a school cafeteria. Although the odor is quite repugnant, Kobolds seem unaware of its existence. Creatures with weak dispositions have been known to become nauseated and vomit in the presence of the scent. Gusts of wind in the wrong direction have spoiled many Kobold surprise raids and fancy Fey creature celebrations.

On this particular Tuesday a Kobold named Belzak was lounging on a mound of dirt in the St Louis Zoo. Strange thing is that Kobolds do not normally live in Human zoos. They almost always live in caves. But much like a grade school student’s homework project, Kobolds are not exempt from strange and twisted fates.

Months ago rival Kobolds disguised as the famous Kobold chef Emerald and his kitchen staff visited Belzak’s cave. Kobold chefs are fanatical about Emerald, a celebrated gourmet chef. The learned sage Dorf noted in his autobiography that Emerald once cooked a feast for the Kobold King that lasted three weeks. Recipes from this epic event have become staples in Kobold kitchens everywhere. Due to his influence many Kobolds have chosen to dedicate their lives to cooking creative gourmet meals. Dorf wrote that if Kobolds had bigger brains, they might realize that most dishes smell like unwashed gym socks. Contemporary sages say that Dorf was a mad crackpot and an outrageous liar.

The sneaky rival Kobolds arranged a cooking demonstration. When Belzak and the rest of his clan showed up, they were taken by surprise and captured in a huge wooden cage. In a display of ravenous and arrogant dominance, the clan leader was cooked in an epic-level BBQ. While their enemies dined, a strange Gnome arrived. He said he was Phil T. Olaf, an entertainer and entrepreneur. In exchange for two pairs of shiny boots, a bag of cheesy doodles and a yummy Human baby, the Gnome acquired the entire clan! Then he transported Belzak and his clan to the St Louis Zoo where they are sold and put on exhibit as a rare type of prairie dog.

Now the Kobolds spend their time digging holes and dreaming about fancy dishes they once prepared at their feasts. There wasn’t much for Belzak to do this Tuesday. But that would soon change.

Suddenly the ground begins to swim under Belzak. He hops up and looks around. The earth seems to jump up before him. With a ripping sound a wide crack appears in the ground just a few feet in front of him. The earth continues to shift. With a loud roar the crack closes again.

“What?! Hey, did anybody else feel that earthquake?”, Belzak says as he spins around. “Come here. There was this crack right here!”

Frightened Kobolds back far away from Belzak as he points to the ground and tells his story. Nobody is sure if the word “aftershock” ever existed in the Kobold vocabulary before this day. About ten minutes after the earthquake there was a horrible splitting, tearing sound. A giant crevice opens under the spot in which he was standing.

It is was not for the yelling and the screaming the darkness into which Belzak fell could be considered peaceful. In a way Belzak felt the rush of air and the sensation of free-falling were a welcome relief from months of captivity. Terror only struck him when he thought about jagged rocks bringing his fall to an end or the idea that the crevice could close again burying him alive.

Eventually he fell into a tube just barely wider than himself. He starts clawing and cursing. The cussing does not really help. But Belzak manages to slow down his descent to a complete stop. As he gazes downward he sees a light! Slowly he climbs down until he finds a ledge leading to an opening. It is bright as daylight. There is green grass and river flowing into a waterfall.

There is nothing like a climb to work up a thirst. Belzak dashes toward the river to take a drink. As he drinks, the earth grumbles violently. Pieces of rock start to rain around him. As he shields himself a large rock lands on his head. Belzak’s vision narrows. Then all colors turn gray. Finally, darkness settles in his clouded mind. He has lost consciousness.

[Ed: I'm not happy with this.. It could be better. And I need to fix the past/present tense in some paragraphs.]